Loneliness in the in-between
I’ve found one of the best parts of writing a newsletter to an audience that’s predominantly fellow moms is that I can share personal experiences that resonate.
I’ve been struggling in my parenting journey recently, and by putting that struggle out into the ether, maybe I’ll end up feeling less alone.
At the end of last week, we had an incident with my older daughter. And while I’m often an open book, I’m going to protect her privacy on this one. That said, I was really upset about it - and objectively - rightfully so.
The worst part may not have been what she did, but the way she handled herself in the fallout. It felt like an increasingly downward spiral, hamster-wheeling around and around. I tried patience, I tried firmness, I tried ignoring her when I needed a break from her emotions. Nothing really worked.
While we were eventually able to talk the next day in a calmer state, the weekend felt somewhat tainted.
And not simply because she did something that was, frankly, dumb. But more so because I felt so helpless.
I couldn’t find the right way to both uphold a boundary (she made a bad decision and had to deal with some consequences) while also being a container for her big feelings of embarrassment, shame, anger, and sadness.
Now here’s where I get to the point in the story where I tell you the magical script I used to make it all better.
JK ;) That’s not how this works…at least not when your kid is endlessly intelligent, strong-willed, deeply-feeling (thanks, Dr. Becky!), highly spirited, and believes in her SOUL she’s 9 going on 19.
This kid stretches me in so many ways - sometimes in the name of growth(!), other times in the name of limits. She’s complex, and curious, and sometimes relentless.
There are moments where I feel like I’m failing. And there are moments where I wish she perhaps had an easier-going nature. What would it be like in the day-to-day without the added anxiety and stress of parenting a kid who REALLY pushes limits like it’s a paid job?
It’s never easy to say this stuff out loud. It’s barely acceptable to even think it in our private thoughts.
We’re conditioned to believe parenting should come naturally and if it doesn’t, it’s our individual problem to fix (and fix without help, support, realistic resources, etc).
My yoga has taught me that everything is temporary. I acknowledge I’m currently in a particularly tough season and at some point, I’ll look up and realize it’s passed.
But it can feel lonely in that in-between. And while loneliness isn’t a pathology, it sure is part of our mental health.
If you’ve been feeling that too (or have in the past), reach out. You’re not alone.
That’s what this mom community is for. And you belong RIGHHHHTTT here.
P.S. It’s Maternal Mental Health Week! If you’re a mother, whether or not you’ve ever met clinical criteria for a mental health diagnosis, ALL mothers need and deserve mental health support!
Many (I’d say most) who don’t meet criteria are still navigating the significant strain of identity changes, emotional overwhelm, relationship challenges, and the cumulative weight of unsupported caregiving and unrealistic expectations. Those (OUR!) experiences often remain unnamed, but are no less meaningful (Chelsea Robinson, Mamas Modern Village).